Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Insights
So it's been 11 weeks yesterday since Fin graced us with his presence and so I thought I'd reflect a little on the experience thus far.
I have to start by saying that if you told me a year ago how I would be as a mother, I would never have believed you. Starting with the basics, everyone says "sleep when the baby sleeps" - and as a pregnant woman, this seemed the most obvious thing ever - but I've done it once. There's always something to clean or wash or fold or do, and then there are the times that I'd just rather lay around and stare at my sleeping beauty. I never thought I would be the parent that didn't want to leave her child-ever-with anyone, but I am. I've been away from him exactly four times and even then never for longer than an hour and never more than 5 miles away.
But I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't also say that I didn't feel an instant bond like many women say they do. When Fin was first born, I looked at him and thought "who the hell are you?" He looked enough like his father but where was me? If I hadn't seen him come out of me, I don't know if I'd believed it. When they first asked me to hold him, I didn't want to. Yes, I was tired and all that, but I also didn't really want to hold him. Because of all my IV's, I couldn't really change a diaper with any ease, so Brooks did all that (bless him). I think that the moment they told us we'd been discharged and cut off his little low-jack was the scariest moment of my life. "You mean you want me to take him HOME with me? And there's no home visit or expert to accompany me for the first few days to tell me what I'm doing wrong?" Thank God my mom arrived the next day. But somewhere in those first few days, I realized that I was already totally in love with him. It was like a shovel to the head, but I was so relieved to finally feel that bond everyone talks about. Now there are times when it takes effort to hold back the tears when he smiles. What no one told me was that I would also feel that bond with Brooks - I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I did, but when we brought that baby into the world together it was like that love multiplied more than I can say.
Sometime around week three, I realized that I couldn't leave Fin and that trying to work while taking care of him wasn't going to work out like I'd hoped. I had some serious anxiety about being unemployed for the first time in my life and depending so much on Brooks for all that, but I knew that Fin needed me more and that these days and changes and firsts will never come back around, and Brooks reminded me that this was the most important job I'll ever do. So I'm a full time mom now - and I can't believe how much I love it. We go on a walk every day, we play, we snuggle, we talk and I love it. Many days we spend time with friends or the other babies from our birthing class and I feel like my life is so full. But as much as we both need and enjoy the company, I'm always a little glad when I find myself alone with him again. I feel so lucky to be able to spend all this time with him and to have such an amazing husband who always makes me feel like a worthy contributor to the family even though it's not monitary.
Patience is another thing worth noting. I'm not a patient person and I think that if he were really honest, Brooks would tell you that he was more than a little worried about how this whole thing would go. But my patience for Fin seems endless. He never sleeps more than 5 hours and usually it's only 4 - but I can't get mad at him for it no matter how tired I am. He's generally pretty happy, but he does have moments where he just screams. Sometimes I look at him and think I may understand how some women harm their babies, but just as I'm thinking that, some cosmic mothering thing happens and I'm compelled to kiss his little tears away. It's like the more he does things that would make the average person crazed, the more I want to hold him tight and kiss and love him.
Finally, there's my body. There's no way around the fact that pregnancy destroyed it. I've never seen stretch marks as bad as mine - forget bikinis and I doubt I'll ever wear shorts again! I'm sure when I stop breastfeeding my boobs will go from 36F's to 36 Extra Longs. And there are plenty of other things that will never be the same. I've still got a few pounds to go before I'm at my prepregnancy weight, but I'm taking my time and they're coming off slowly but hopefully for good. But my hips are wider and my shape will never be the same. The weird thing is how little most of that bothers me. I guess you could say that I have a new respect for my body. I know what it's capable of and that's amazing. This body can grow life, bring it forth and nourish it with an ease that is awesome. Compared to all that, a few "racing stripes" seem not even worth noting.
I probably won't blog here very often now, at least not until there's another miracle on the way. For now I'm kinda busy doing great things - just being a mom.
I have to start by saying that if you told me a year ago how I would be as a mother, I would never have believed you. Starting with the basics, everyone says "sleep when the baby sleeps" - and as a pregnant woman, this seemed the most obvious thing ever - but I've done it once. There's always something to clean or wash or fold or do, and then there are the times that I'd just rather lay around and stare at my sleeping beauty. I never thought I would be the parent that didn't want to leave her child-ever-with anyone, but I am. I've been away from him exactly four times and even then never for longer than an hour and never more than 5 miles away.
But I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't also say that I didn't feel an instant bond like many women say they do. When Fin was first born, I looked at him and thought "who the hell are you?" He looked enough like his father but where was me? If I hadn't seen him come out of me, I don't know if I'd believed it. When they first asked me to hold him, I didn't want to. Yes, I was tired and all that, but I also didn't really want to hold him. Because of all my IV's, I couldn't really change a diaper with any ease, so Brooks did all that (bless him). I think that the moment they told us we'd been discharged and cut off his little low-jack was the scariest moment of my life. "You mean you want me to take him HOME with me? And there's no home visit or expert to accompany me for the first few days to tell me what I'm doing wrong?" Thank God my mom arrived the next day. But somewhere in those first few days, I realized that I was already totally in love with him. It was like a shovel to the head, but I was so relieved to finally feel that bond everyone talks about. Now there are times when it takes effort to hold back the tears when he smiles. What no one told me was that I would also feel that bond with Brooks - I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I did, but when we brought that baby into the world together it was like that love multiplied more than I can say.
Sometime around week three, I realized that I couldn't leave Fin and that trying to work while taking care of him wasn't going to work out like I'd hoped. I had some serious anxiety about being unemployed for the first time in my life and depending so much on Brooks for all that, but I knew that Fin needed me more and that these days and changes and firsts will never come back around, and Brooks reminded me that this was the most important job I'll ever do. So I'm a full time mom now - and I can't believe how much I love it. We go on a walk every day, we play, we snuggle, we talk and I love it. Many days we spend time with friends or the other babies from our birthing class and I feel like my life is so full. But as much as we both need and enjoy the company, I'm always a little glad when I find myself alone with him again. I feel so lucky to be able to spend all this time with him and to have such an amazing husband who always makes me feel like a worthy contributor to the family even though it's not monitary.
Patience is another thing worth noting. I'm not a patient person and I think that if he were really honest, Brooks would tell you that he was more than a little worried about how this whole thing would go. But my patience for Fin seems endless. He never sleeps more than 5 hours and usually it's only 4 - but I can't get mad at him for it no matter how tired I am. He's generally pretty happy, but he does have moments where he just screams. Sometimes I look at him and think I may understand how some women harm their babies, but just as I'm thinking that, some cosmic mothering thing happens and I'm compelled to kiss his little tears away. It's like the more he does things that would make the average person crazed, the more I want to hold him tight and kiss and love him.
Finally, there's my body. There's no way around the fact that pregnancy destroyed it. I've never seen stretch marks as bad as mine - forget bikinis and I doubt I'll ever wear shorts again! I'm sure when I stop breastfeeding my boobs will go from 36F's to 36 Extra Longs. And there are plenty of other things that will never be the same. I've still got a few pounds to go before I'm at my prepregnancy weight, but I'm taking my time and they're coming off slowly but hopefully for good. But my hips are wider and my shape will never be the same. The weird thing is how little most of that bothers me. I guess you could say that I have a new respect for my body. I know what it's capable of and that's amazing. This body can grow life, bring it forth and nourish it with an ease that is awesome. Compared to all that, a few "racing stripes" seem not even worth noting.
I probably won't blog here very often now, at least not until there's another miracle on the way. For now I'm kinda busy doing great things - just being a mom.
Friday, January 13, 2006
For My Homies :)
So I just found out that one of my good friends is expecting and I was thinking about making this list for myself for the next go-round.
Pregnancy Must-Do's and Have's:
1. Start early. Baby stuff is pricey and you need alot so make a list and start buying one big nursery item a month so that you're not overwhelmed at what you need in the end.
2. Take a good birthing class that covers birthing naturally - even if you want an epidural, I'm walking proof that they don't always work, so you better have the skills to cope with the pain just in case.
3. Read a few different birthing books.
4. If you have a specific idea of how you want your birth to go, or you feel like you and your partner might need the extra support, look into hiring a doula and do it early.
5. Start buying diapers now. You can go through three in as many minutes on some days - so just get in the habit of picking some up when you go to the store. Ditto on wipes - and make sure you get the gentle skin ones.
6. Buy a few adult diapers - this sounds funny (and looks funnier) but when you first come home after the baby, bleeding is super heavy and I wore these and a pad which I changed frequently for the first few days. Plus, the ones I got had a stretchy stomach which gave me extra support those first few days and also kept hidden the part of me I didn't want to see :)
7. Transitional clothes. When we went to Europe I was already starting to outgrow my clothes (around 10 weeks!) and so I bought a few pairs of pants that were just a size bigger. They were SO great to have in the first month when my old pants were still tight and wearing maternity clothes would have been way too depressing.
8. Morning sickness. I had it. Bad. The only stuff that helped at all was Mother's wellness from Saje (http://www.sajeusa.com/). It's an oil that you rub on your tum a few times a day and man did it help!
9. Must Haves:
A good boucy seat
A swing
Diaper Champ
At least 10 receiving blankets
At least 10 burp cloths
Soothies (for sore boobs if you're breastfeeding)
Little Remedies stuff (you can get this as a whole package and you'll be so glad you have it!)
Tea Tree Oil (great for diaper rash and also keeps meconium from sticking)
Resinol (the diaper rash eradicator, you'll likely have to order this at the parmacy but it's OTC)
Pregnancy Must-Do's and Have's:
1. Start early. Baby stuff is pricey and you need alot so make a list and start buying one big nursery item a month so that you're not overwhelmed at what you need in the end.
2. Take a good birthing class that covers birthing naturally - even if you want an epidural, I'm walking proof that they don't always work, so you better have the skills to cope with the pain just in case.
3. Read a few different birthing books.
4. If you have a specific idea of how you want your birth to go, or you feel like you and your partner might need the extra support, look into hiring a doula and do it early.
5. Start buying diapers now. You can go through three in as many minutes on some days - so just get in the habit of picking some up when you go to the store. Ditto on wipes - and make sure you get the gentle skin ones.
6. Buy a few adult diapers - this sounds funny (and looks funnier) but when you first come home after the baby, bleeding is super heavy and I wore these and a pad which I changed frequently for the first few days. Plus, the ones I got had a stretchy stomach which gave me extra support those first few days and also kept hidden the part of me I didn't want to see :)
7. Transitional clothes. When we went to Europe I was already starting to outgrow my clothes (around 10 weeks!) and so I bought a few pairs of pants that were just a size bigger. They were SO great to have in the first month when my old pants were still tight and wearing maternity clothes would have been way too depressing.
8. Morning sickness. I had it. Bad. The only stuff that helped at all was Mother's wellness from Saje (http://www.sajeusa.com/). It's an oil that you rub on your tum a few times a day and man did it help!
9. Must Haves:
A good boucy seat
A swing
Diaper Champ
At least 10 receiving blankets
At least 10 burp cloths
Soothies (for sore boobs if you're breastfeeding)
Little Remedies stuff (you can get this as a whole package and you'll be so glad you have it!)
Tea Tree Oil (great for diaper rash and also keeps meconium from sticking)
Resinol (the diaper rash eradicator, you'll likely have to order this at the parmacy but it's OTC)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Truth Time
Now that I've only got 6 lbs or so to go, I feel I can be honest about the pregnancy weight gain...by delivery day, I had gained over 50 lbs. Ouch. I got yelled at in just about every Dr.'s appt for it, but our Doula maintaned that as long as you eat healthy and focus on protein and don't overload with carbs, you'll gain what your body needs to gain. And other than breastfeeding, I have done nothing to get rid of the weight so far (I'm going to start getting rid of those last lbs this week with some good walking time with Fin). All of the nurses in the hospital were in awe of my swollen legs and feet and a the time I knew it was bad, but not THAT bad...I was wishing I had a picture to do a before and after with and then I realized that I had sent a pic to Brandon with the camera phone! So check out the before and after of my feet! (note the tattoo so you know I'm not photoshopping or using the feet of a 300 lb woman :)!
Monday, December 26, 2005
The Great Birth Story
I went to the Dr. on Monday, November 28th and was told that my blood pressure was getting high. Our big joke had been that pre-eclampsia was the one thing I didn't have! So the Dr. told me he wanted to induce me before the week was out and ordered some blood work. He called us on Tuesday and told me that I had all the signs of pre-eclampsia and that he wanted to induce me on Thursday. I asked if I could come in Thursday morning for a recheck and go from there - I wanted to go naturally and inductions make that tough. So we went in on Thursday and my BP was even higher, the swelling was bad and my rash was getting horrific. The good news was that I was already 80% effaced and 3 cm's dialated. The Dr. wanted us to go straight to the hospital but I talked him into letting me go home and shower first.
We arrived at the hospital at 11:30 ish and they started me on Pictocin at 1 pm. The Dr. broke my water at 3:30 and we called the doula since I knew things would be picking up soon. Yvonne, our doula, arrived at 4:30 and I was still doing ok. By 6 I was begging to be shot. I broke down and asked for the epi - I was only 4 cm's at the time so I had made little progress. After 3 tries, the epidural was in and the relief was immediate and I sent everyone to go have dinner so I could rest. Unfortunately, after 20 mins of pain-free labor, the epidural test-dose wore off and I guess the cathedar was in the wrong space and I was in some serious pain. They checked me again at 7 and I was at 7 cm's. Everyone was back in the room with me by 8:45 helping me cope with the pains. At 9:35 they checked me again and I was completely dialated but Fin was being stubborn and was still pretty high up (-2 station) so they wanted me to keep laboring and see if he would come down on his own. By 10:45 there was still no more progress and I started to hear the rumblings of C-section. The Dr. came in at 11 and decided we should see if I could just push Fin out - I had him crowning in one push! By 11:19 Fin was in daddy's arms while I had a chance to catch my breath. One tiny stich was all I needed and Fin nursed right away - I wish the pregnancy had gone as smoothly as the labor :)
We arrived at the hospital at 11:30 ish and they started me on Pictocin at 1 pm. The Dr. broke my water at 3:30 and we called the doula since I knew things would be picking up soon. Yvonne, our doula, arrived at 4:30 and I was still doing ok. By 6 I was begging to be shot. I broke down and asked for the epi - I was only 4 cm's at the time so I had made little progress. After 3 tries, the epidural was in and the relief was immediate and I sent everyone to go have dinner so I could rest. Unfortunately, after 20 mins of pain-free labor, the epidural test-dose wore off and I guess the cathedar was in the wrong space and I was in some serious pain. They checked me again at 7 and I was at 7 cm's. Everyone was back in the room with me by 8:45 helping me cope with the pains. At 9:35 they checked me again and I was completely dialated but Fin was being stubborn and was still pretty high up (-2 station) so they wanted me to keep laboring and see if he would come down on his own. By 10:45 there was still no more progress and I started to hear the rumblings of C-section. The Dr. came in at 11 and decided we should see if I could just push Fin out - I had him crowning in one push! By 11:19 Fin was in daddy's arms while I had a chance to catch my breath. One tiny stich was all I needed and Fin nursed right away - I wish the pregnancy had gone as smoothly as the labor :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)