The Joy of Difference

I can vividly remember being pregnant with Dash and holding and snuggling Fin, trying to push away the dull ache that came with the knowledge that soon, very soon, this perfect little creature was going to have to share my attentions - and my heart. Like any mother expecting her second, I worried how it would be possible for me to love ANYONE as much as I loved Fin. I worried that I would resent Dash for taking so much of me away from Fin. I worried that Fin would suffer for this new addition, an addition that we had very much wanted and planned for to join our family. Because I was pregnant, and a mom, I worried and worried and worried...

And then Dash arrived. Instantly, the moment I looked into his little blue eyes, it was like my heart added a special chamber just for him. A separate piece of me, nestled up right where my love for Fin continues to grow. And just like that I had just as much love for Dash.

I can honestly say that I have never for a second resented Dash for the attention he diverted from Fin. Instead I love him all the more for the attention he has ADDED to Fin. Even in the early days when babies and toddlers looked to be the two most incompatible forces in the universe, I would get small previews into our future. The way a mother's heart melts when she sees one of her children, all on his own, make the other smile with joy. Little glimpses into the life where two boys became favorite playmates and the best of friends.

We're so there.

My new bliss is watching them both grow, together and apart, and finding myself ceaselessly amazed at the differences that become more apparent each day.

There are moments when I catch Fin doing something and suddenly I am my mother watching me. He carries so many shades of myself it is both exhilarating and terrifying all at once. When he focuses on accomplishing something, look out world because it will get done. He talks back and is constantly searching out new ways to challenge me. He is astonishingly quick witted and so incredibly stubborn that it often takes a village of experts to convince him that he might be wrong. He is all boy, rough and tumble, push and shove and yet he hates getting messy. He is strong and yet he is extremely sensitive. If someone falls or gets upset, he is often the first person rushing to their side and trying to hug away whatever ails them. While I can attribute 90% of his attitude and personality to my gene pool, he also has the most amazing imagination - and that is something that comes directly from his father. He is constantly inspiring me to think in new ways, and not just about Star Wars :) In so many ways I am forever grateful that he was my first because he has pushed me to grow in ways that only attempting to raise yourself can.

As much as I can see myself when I watch Fin, it is Brooks that I see when I watch Dash. Teething not withstanding, he is nearly always happy. He is calm, even tempered, and since birth has seemed to have a "zen" about him. He is an "old soul". He is creative, drawing with crayons when other children would be eating them and taking great delight in building the tallest block towers. He is incredibly gregarious and in his element when surrounded by as many other children as possible. When we drop Fin off at school, he sometimes looks at me, lost, and I feel sorry for him that he has to lose his comrade for that brief period. When given the opportunity to play with the children his age, he will largely ignore them in favor of Fin and his crew. I think if he were able to talk, he would assure you that he is in fact the same age as his brother and all his friends. And he holds his own as if that were the case, running just as fast, trying to push just as hard, and forever trying to pedal their tricycles and big wheels. I am torn between wishing for him to catch up and holding him back with all my power. Most amazingly, he shares his father's soothing touch. When he puts his hand on my shoulder (as he strangely often does) it holds the same steadying and calming effect as Brooks' hand always has. Of course it makes me wonder what woman will be lucky enough to someday benefit from it as I have. Seeing so much of his father in him makes me love him all the more.

And now we're about to grow again. To welcome another boy into the bunch. As Dash snuggled with me today, I did worry a bit how it will affect him to lose his status as the baby. I'm a mother, that's my job. But I'm also looking forward to the journey ahead. I can't wait to see what this little boy will add to our lives, how he will complement Fin and Dash and whose personality he will more closely resemble. Perhaps I'll find that he's more of a combination of us both. Maybe he'll be a whole new and unexpected version of us.

Most of all, I can't wait until that first time I catch Fin and Dash making him laugh, all by themselves.

Wordless Wednesday

Oh BOY AGAIN!

Indeed! This August I will be a mama of three boys. I'm a tad speechless :)

A Shotgun Blast? A Rifle Range? Are You Sure?

Ok, so I really wasn't going to blog on this, but I keep making myself laugh about it so dammit I have to!

So this isn't the funny part, just background. I've been having issues with my hearing for the past few years. I'd just wake up one day totally or partially deaf in my right ear. When it was partially deaf, that was irritating because I'd still hear certain frequencies super loud, but voices soft (like at the grocery store, the cooler whurring would be deafening but the checkout lady inaudible). When it was totally out, well, it was a bummer not to be able to use my blue tooth, but other than that it didn't bother me too much. Then about a year ago the ringing started. Well that bothered the SHIT out of me and kept me up at night. Which, you know since I have nothing to do all day, was no big deal. RIGHT. So in to the Dr. I went. And after a battery, and I mean a battery, of tests, the consensus is Minears disease. The Dr. happily used the words "slow progressing" and "mild" so that's all good, and really if I had to face the possibility of losing one of my senses, that would be the one. I mean, smell, taste, vision, all way more important if you ask me. So don't you cry for me Argentina because with this crew there are plenty of days when I think this might be a gift ;)

Anyway, so bringing the funny. I had a follow-up yesterday and I have permanent loss in my right ear. Sorry, again, that wasn't the funny part. Here it comes...

Dr.: So, you've never had a shotgun go off next to that ear, or you know, like done any shooting range or rifelry stuffs?

Me: (trying not to laugh) Um, no.

Dr.: And you've never had directed radiation or chemotherapy on that ear?

Me: (trying harder) No.

Dr.: Are you sure?

Me: (failing) Yes, I'm pretty sure...

Me Wanting To Say: Oh, I almost forgot the time that I had a shotgun go off in my ear while getting radiation for the cancer I forgot I had.

I mean, really, who would forget ANY of those things?? Maybe it was the skepticism in his face when he asked if I was sure? Maybe it's the odd combination of cancer and guns? Or me wondering which of those he thought would be more forgettable? Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and have a warped sense of humor? This exchange has had me laughing for two days.

Call Me Debbie, Debbie Downer...

It's a sad day in the blogsphere today, for we have lost one of our own.

Lisa, you, your strength, and your humor will be missed.

And if you're of the praying sort, send some to her family. And if you're not, do it anyway please.