Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Another tough one. For me. And I'm faced with a decision here to either lie, or be honest and completely over-share. I'm going to try and be honest, but just a little cryptic. So sorry if this feels awfully vague.

A long time ago, in the life of a girl far away (heh) I had a very good friend. A bestie. And this friend and I, we went through some crap together. A BIG crap, if you will. And so there we were, standing in this crap up to our eyeballs and suffocating. So I ran. I crawled out of that pile-o-crap as fast as my arms and legs could dig. And then I ran. I ran for my life. And I did. not. look. back. Not even once. Not until I felt like I was as crap-free as I could cleanse myself. And then I took a deep breath, and I looked back. And this friend, this very good friend who would have done anything for me, this friend who would have helped me in a heartbeat was staring at me, undoubtedly wondering why I wasn't coming right back to help. But I was afraid of all that crap. I was afraid of what might happen if I went back. What if I couldn't dig my friend out? What if I got stuck again myself? What if I could never get out?

So I did not go back.

I turned around and walked away. Away from the crap. Away from my friend.

At the time it felt like the only thing I could do, the only decision I was capable of making. It felt like survival. But looking back? Looking back it feels like cowardice. It feels like abandonment. It feels like I was a terrible friend. And I can't even tell you how often I think of what I could have changed if I had made a different decision. How would my friends life have been different. And how might it have changed mine.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Ok, well, this is tougher. Why do we have such a hard time praising ourselves for what we do well? Or being positive about who we are?

Anyway, I think the thing that I appreciate most about myself is that I'm honest. Probably to a fault. I don't think anyone would ever call me nice, definitely not sweet, possibly funny or generous, but most definitely honest. I think it's not only something that comes naturally to me, but a trait I've spent some time cultivating. Selfishly, because it's easier. I don't like to be untruthful. I'm not a bad liar, but most certainly an uncomfortable one. And at this point in my life, I have no desire to expend the energy necessary to perpetuate any lie. Although I do wish that I had slightly better control over my facial expressions at times.

Honesty is also something I demand from my close friends. Know me long enough and you'll know not to ask my opinion unless you really want it. But also that when I ask yours, I expect nothing less than total honesty back (even if it is to say that my last haircut really made my hair look half fake). I'm sure there is a way to be both delicate and honest, but I don't know it and I'm not going to try and find it either.

So yes, I love that no one could ever call me a liar. A bull in a china shop? Maybe. But definitely not a liar.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

This is tough.

There are plenty of things about myself that bug me. But I think the one that bothers me the most is that I have a stupid fear of being alone or being left out. And when I say stupid, I mean ridiculous. Like I can't let Brooks leave the room without telling me exactly where he's going, why he's going there and when he'll be back. And if he is gone too long? I'll start to panic a little. Why? I don't really believe that he'd just take off and not come back. So why panic? Sheesh.

It also tends to rear it's ugly little head in my friendships. I tend to get a little jealous if friends get together without me. I know, totally dumb. And I don't mean that I don't want my friends to have other friends. That doesn't bother me at all. I like to have different sets of buddies myself. Variety and all that. But if my friends all get together without me, I start to wig a little. And I'm a grown-ass woman so I know how crazy that sounds. And it's not like I'd say anything or complain about it, because I don't. I just stew quietly a little. I really really hate feeling left out. It's so bad that I'll go on outings even when I'm tired/sick/or just don't want to because I don't want to sit home and feel left out.

So there's mine. Probably the thing I hate most about myself. What's yours?

30 Days of Truth

Blogging is a great way for me to get out some of my thoughts and I love being able to go back and see what was going on in times past. But one of my most favorite things about the blogging community is the inspiration you can find! A whole slew of bloggers are doing a 30 day challenge - 30 days of truth. I might take more than 30 days, but I'm going to try it! Here is how the days fall out in case you'd like to play along...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Colorblind or Creative

If you have small children, you watch a good amount of Nick Jr. (for those without, it's all kids shows with no commercials). In between shows they sometimes have art activities or other fun stuff for the kids. The "parent" on today's segment was an African American man. The "participants" were an African American boy and a little white girl. As we were watching it, I wondered if Finley would associate skin color with parentage. So I asked him, do you think they're brother and sister? Do you think that's their dad?

His first response? Laughed at me. Oh it gets better. Then he tells me that that man adopted them because the parents who gave birth to them were too young to keep them and so they gave them to that man. This was said in total seriousness. I asked him why he thought that and he said "Mom, I know!"

I might have to start watching Teen Mom after he goes to bed...