Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

When I first read this question, a big part of me wanted to respond that I've already done it! I wanted to be in a loving marriage, check. Own a home, check. Have children and stay home with them, check, check, check. Truly, all of the things that were super important to me, I've got.

But those things beget other things too. Now I want to see my children grow up and become kind, successful, loving men. I want to see them get married to kind and loving women. I want to see them have children of their own. I think that a large part of having children is watching your dreams for yourself become your dreams for you children. All my hopes are for them now.

Selfishly, I guess I'd like to travel more. I came up with a bucket list a while ago but most of it I'd honestly be fine also not doing. In my most lazy admission, I'd like for Brooks to retire and have some good years of just spending time with him. Sheesh, guess I'm just boring!

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I'm a pretty forgiving person.

Don't get me wrong, I NEVER forget. But I do forgive because I don't think you can move on without forgiving.

I'd like to say that there's truly nothing I have held on to, but that would be a lie. There is also NO WAY that I could even begin to be cryptic enough to blog about that forgiveness. So I'll be honest and admit that I am holding a grudge right now. And the grudgee probably knows who I am talking about.

So I'll just leave it at that and say that I'm working on it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Another tough one. For me. And I'm faced with a decision here to either lie, or be honest and completely over-share. I'm going to try and be honest, but just a little cryptic. So sorry if this feels awfully vague.

A long time ago, in the life of a girl far away (heh) I had a very good friend. A bestie. And this friend and I, we went through some crap together. A BIG crap, if you will. And so there we were, standing in this crap up to our eyeballs and suffocating. So I ran. I crawled out of that pile-o-crap as fast as my arms and legs could dig. And then I ran. I ran for my life. And I did. not. look. back. Not even once. Not until I felt like I was as crap-free as I could cleanse myself. And then I took a deep breath, and I looked back. And this friend, this very good friend who would have done anything for me, this friend who would have helped me in a heartbeat was staring at me, undoubtedly wondering why I wasn't coming right back to help. But I was afraid of all that crap. I was afraid of what might happen if I went back. What if I couldn't dig my friend out? What if I got stuck again myself? What if I could never get out?

So I did not go back.

I turned around and walked away. Away from the crap. Away from my friend.

At the time it felt like the only thing I could do, the only decision I was capable of making. It felt like survival. But looking back? Looking back it feels like cowardice. It feels like abandonment. It feels like I was a terrible friend. And I can't even tell you how often I think of what I could have changed if I had made a different decision. How would my friends life have been different. And how might it have changed mine.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Ok, well, this is tougher. Why do we have such a hard time praising ourselves for what we do well? Or being positive about who we are?

Anyway, I think the thing that I appreciate most about myself is that I'm honest. Probably to a fault. I don't think anyone would ever call me nice, definitely not sweet, possibly funny or generous, but most definitely honest. I think it's not only something that comes naturally to me, but a trait I've spent some time cultivating. Selfishly, because it's easier. I don't like to be untruthful. I'm not a bad liar, but most certainly an uncomfortable one. And at this point in my life, I have no desire to expend the energy necessary to perpetuate any lie. Although I do wish that I had slightly better control over my facial expressions at times.

Honesty is also something I demand from my close friends. Know me long enough and you'll know not to ask my opinion unless you really want it. But also that when I ask yours, I expect nothing less than total honesty back (even if it is to say that my last haircut really made my hair look half fake). I'm sure there is a way to be both delicate and honest, but I don't know it and I'm not going to try and find it either.

So yes, I love that no one could ever call me a liar. A bull in a china shop? Maybe. But definitely not a liar.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

This is tough.

There are plenty of things about myself that bug me. But I think the one that bothers me the most is that I have a stupid fear of being alone or being left out. And when I say stupid, I mean ridiculous. Like I can't let Brooks leave the room without telling me exactly where he's going, why he's going there and when he'll be back. And if he is gone too long? I'll start to panic a little. Why? I don't really believe that he'd just take off and not come back. So why panic? Sheesh.

It also tends to rear it's ugly little head in my friendships. I tend to get a little jealous if friends get together without me. I know, totally dumb. And I don't mean that I don't want my friends to have other friends. That doesn't bother me at all. I like to have different sets of buddies myself. Variety and all that. But if my friends all get together without me, I start to wig a little. And I'm a grown-ass woman so I know how crazy that sounds. And it's not like I'd say anything or complain about it, because I don't. I just stew quietly a little. I really really hate feeling left out. It's so bad that I'll go on outings even when I'm tired/sick/or just don't want to because I don't want to sit home and feel left out.

So there's mine. Probably the thing I hate most about myself. What's yours?