Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

There are two answers that come naturally to this question.

The first is my husband. A long time ago someone told me to marry the man who wanted to join my life and not make my life. And I wasn't really sure what that meant until I met Brooks. He lets me be who and what I am and still loves me. He encourages the good in me and sticks around to laugh at the bad. He has without question made my life worth living.

But then there are my kids.

Before children I never worried about death. I always just saw it as a natural progression and felt lucky to have been able to live the life I have and really believed that every day is a gift. And then I had kids. And now? Now I fear death. The thought of leaving them before I am ready and before I feel like I have done my job with them makes me quake in my boots. It just might be my biggest fear.

So I suppose that I'd have to say that my answer is my family :)

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

This is sort of a dumb question. And makes me think that this whole 30 days deal was started by some bored high school kid who wanted note passing inspiration. But I've started, so I'll finish.

I don't ever want to have to sit in a hospital at the side of a loved one. I'm not an idiot, I'm sure I'll lose plenty of people through my life. I just hope they all die very old and at home in their beds. And preferably in their sleep. So there.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

When I first read this question, a big part of me wanted to respond that I've already done it! I wanted to be in a loving marriage, check. Own a home, check. Have children and stay home with them, check, check, check. Truly, all of the things that were super important to me, I've got.

But those things beget other things too. Now I want to see my children grow up and become kind, successful, loving men. I want to see them get married to kind and loving women. I want to see them have children of their own. I think that a large part of having children is watching your dreams for yourself become your dreams for you children. All my hopes are for them now.

Selfishly, I guess I'd like to travel more. I came up with a bucket list a while ago but most of it I'd honestly be fine also not doing. In my most lazy admission, I'd like for Brooks to retire and have some good years of just spending time with him. Sheesh, guess I'm just boring!

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I'm a pretty forgiving person.

Don't get me wrong, I NEVER forget. But I do forgive because I don't think you can move on without forgiving.

I'd like to say that there's truly nothing I have held on to, but that would be a lie. There is also NO WAY that I could even begin to be cryptic enough to blog about that forgiveness. So I'll be honest and admit that I am holding a grudge right now. And the grudgee probably knows who I am talking about.

So I'll just leave it at that and say that I'm working on it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Another tough one. For me. And I'm faced with a decision here to either lie, or be honest and completely over-share. I'm going to try and be honest, but just a little cryptic. So sorry if this feels awfully vague.

A long time ago, in the life of a girl far away (heh) I had a very good friend. A bestie. And this friend and I, we went through some crap together. A BIG crap, if you will. And so there we were, standing in this crap up to our eyeballs and suffocating. So I ran. I crawled out of that pile-o-crap as fast as my arms and legs could dig. And then I ran. I ran for my life. And I did. not. look. back. Not even once. Not until I felt like I was as crap-free as I could cleanse myself. And then I took a deep breath, and I looked back. And this friend, this very good friend who would have done anything for me, this friend who would have helped me in a heartbeat was staring at me, undoubtedly wondering why I wasn't coming right back to help. But I was afraid of all that crap. I was afraid of what might happen if I went back. What if I couldn't dig my friend out? What if I got stuck again myself? What if I could never get out?

So I did not go back.

I turned around and walked away. Away from the crap. Away from my friend.

At the time it felt like the only thing I could do, the only decision I was capable of making. It felt like survival. But looking back? Looking back it feels like cowardice. It feels like abandonment. It feels like I was a terrible friend. And I can't even tell you how often I think of what I could have changed if I had made a different decision. How would my friends life have been different. And how might it have changed mine.