Rude Surprises

Since I have more than a few buds who are getting baby-ready, and also because I don't want to forget any of this in years to come, I decided to make a list of what I think are the rudest surprises that pregnancy has thrust upon me...

1) Extra Junk In My Trunk

Yes, ass growth. I know where babies grow. SO WHAT'S UP WITH YOU HINEY?? Before I had Fin, I heard someone say that they had worn their lowrise jeans their whole pregnancy as they fell just below the belly. With each pregnancy, I have managed to outgrow my pants far faster than my morning sickness. Even my mother, who is nothing if not an honest woman, remarked (while pregnant with Dash) that she didn't think it was possible for a butt to get that large. I've got a call in to Kim Kardashian to find out where she gets her pants.

2) Being Violated
As a woman becoming a mother, you will inevitably have that vision of the first time you see your child - at least on the small screen. Your husband will be holding your hand while your perfect belly is covered in goo that makes you giggle because it's cold. And then on the screen appears your teeny wiggling angel. Ahhh pure magic. But that's SOOO not what happens. Instead you are introduced to what I have heard referred to as the "dildo cam". And instead of your belly, the goo goes...well, somewhere else. Hopefully your husband isn't too horrified by witnessing you violated in such a way and is still able to enjoy the experience. Heh, right. But don't worry, you will experience similar uncomfortable situations throughout the coming months.

3) Weight Gain
Related to the "junk" referenced above, this probably sounds like a stupid thing to be surprised by. With Fin, I ate for two. Or four. It wasn't pretty. But I learned that lesson, and with Dash I scaled wayyy back (and stayed clear of McDonalds). Honestly, other than helping with water retention, it didn't make that much of a difference in poundage. Apparently my metabolism shuts down before I can even find a stick to pee on. I've heard you're only supposed to gain 25-35 lbs, but I honestly think I could eat 1000 calories a day and gain more. I'm ok with that. I've lost it all and then some each time, but it would sure be nice if my Dr.'s could take notice of that fact and leave me the heck alone.

4) Insomnia
No, I'm not talking about the kind that comes at the end where you're as big as a house and it's no small wonder that you can't find a comfortable position to save your life. Or the part in the middle where your bladder develops a four hour shelf life. I'm always surprised by the insomnia that meets me in the beginning. I fall asleep like a baby. Or a mother who has taken care of two babies all day. But then, sometime around 2am, it all comes to a screeching halt. I am wide awake. I stare at the ceiling. I calculate how much time I have left before someone wakes up and permanently puts an end to my hopes of falling back into a blissful slumber. And although Tylenol PM is acceptable to take, I don't think every night counts.

5) Pain.
I know, duh, right? But no, you don't know. Until you're lying in a bed actually contemplating how you could get across the room, through your husband and the nurses, so that you could HURL YOURSELF out the window onto the ground below just to end the pain, you don't know. I can clearly remember thinking that I could probably do it and land on my back and Fin would be ok. I also have to note that this was when induced. Dash's birth hurt too, but no where near as much.

6) Hospital Release
This is really just with your firstborn, but holy mother, is anyone prepared for that moment where they cut off the little baby low-jack and shoo you all out the door? I know I wasn't! I kept feeling like I was walking out of a store with an armful and without paying the bill (you know, like the Ikea commercial where the woman is yelling to her husband to "start the car!", just like that). Wait, no one's going to check our car and make sure we have a car seat? No one's going to follow us home and make sure we're not total lunatics who are about to screw this child up before he hits the two day mark? I felt more prepared when we adopted a dog then when we took home a baby. And I even WATCHED all the on demand "how to" movies in my hospital room!

7) More Pain

I know, duh again. I've heard plenty of times that the "afterpains" with a second child are just as painful as contractions. And YES! Why is there no epidural for that business!! And just to add insult to injury, or I guess more injury to injury, they're strongest when you're breastfeeding. More on that later.

8) Post-partum Physique
Dude, I totally get why there are no mirrors in recovery rooms. Once we were home and I caught my first glimpse, I actually had to laugh. I mean, who replaced all the mirrors in my dressing area with stuff they stole from a fun house? No one can really look like that. Can they? Oh GOD! But on the nice side, it was also shocking how quickly things went back to at least somewhat resemble where they used to be. I sometimes wish I had actually taken pictures just to document the fact that I'm not crazy or vain, it really was that awful. Guess there's always this time though, right?

9) Breastfeeding
I actually have a close friend who thinks you're already a bad mother if you elect not to breastfeed. I totally CANNOT WAIT till she has a baby! A Womanly Art? HA! A beautiful moment between mother and child? Yes, well, as much as painful bloody nipples can mean love and beauty. When you've just been through the ringer of birth, it just seems so unfair to then have to face the trails of breastfeeding. Bleeding cracked nipples. Mastitis. Thrush. Engorgement. And did I mention the bloody nipples? And please, don't bother telling me I was doing it wrong. I wasn't. It was "fine" after my body had a week or two to adjust, but damn! Now I have to say that my children were both nursed almost to the year mark, and they're smart and rarely ill. For fear that I would have a less intelligent, sickly baby I will nurse Snoopy. But I won't like it.

10) Mental Impairment
I totally had a great #10 in my head. At 2am last night. And now it's gone. Because I'm pregnant and have the memory of a goldfish. As well as no ability to operate heavy machinery. Or do anything that even remotely requires grace or balance. Or finish a sentence. Or a thought.

I'm working on a list of pleasant surprises. It's taking longer...