End of an Era

I've really been wrestling with something lately that I've felt compelled to write about.

As my friends and the salvation army already know, I've been cleaning house and getting rid of most of the baby stuff. Gone is the floor gym. The swing has been re homed. The baby books have gone onto more ready-to-be-fertile pastures. And by now I'm sure the majority of the baby clothes have found other babies to warm. Even the baby bucket has left the building.

That's right, this family has reached capacity.

I'd be a liar if I said that it is an easy decision. I always envisioned myself having four children. But these little men arrived at such breakneck speed that the mere thought of adding another one terrifies me. And yes, we thought about waiting and having another at some point down the road, but I see what good friends Fin and Dash are and I know that Kell gets closer to becoming their partner in crime every day. Waiting and adding another child to the mix just doesn't seem fair - to have one that was always left behind? And then I do have days where I think that maybe I could handle the demands of one more little man. But like I say to my kids (and people who wear their clothes too tight), just because you can doesn't mean you should.

If I'm going to be honest, and let's face it, I always am, realizing that your child-bearing years have come to an end is kind of like the first time you start to face your own mortality. It means that so many of life's burning questions have been answered. You know where your life will go, where you'll live, who you'll marry, how many children you'll have and what they'll look like. The questions that you now face are mostly hinged on your children - who will they be? It feels like the first glaring streetlight to "Old Town".

I cleaned out my closet this weekend, post-partum fat clothes be GONE! I started to get down my large containers of maternity clothes but I just wasn't ready for that. Any mother will tell you that it just might be the wardrobe equivalent of having your tubes tied. No one, NO ONE wants to recreate the maternity closet - especially in CA where it's not even seasonal. I have a friend who will be in need of them soon, but not yet. I'll hold onto them just a little longer. Who knows, maybe I'll even change my mind in the end.

Then I look at my four boys, cuddling in bed with me watching a movie, and I think my life is so very full of love already.