Deodorant, Yes, Deodorant

I'm having a bad day. And although it's only a very small spec of my bad day, I'm pissed off at my deodorant. So let's talk about deodorants for chicks and why they suck:

First of all, it stops working. I can't seem to get through one entire stick of deodorant without having it just stop working at the end. It's like my body just builds up an immunity to it and is all, oh you silly deodorant, I own your ass, here comes some stink! And just when I'm used to smelling like flowery girl farts, I have to go find another deodorant and pray it works. And by works, I just mean that it keeps me from smelling like a sanitation worker running a marathon. Because although I always opt for the antiperspirant, that is a big stinkin lie that does NOTHING to stop me from sweating.

So last week I ran out of my random-brand-name-clinical-strength deodorant (which had stopped working anyway) and so off to Target I went. I decided to try the um, we'll call it "Confidential" Smooth Effects - you know, the one that's supposed to make you have to shave less often. After lamenting the fact that there was no option of odorless, I picked Smooth Powder (although why me or ANYONE would choose to have their armpits smell like the stuff that goes on a baby's ass is a mystery). I gave it a week. I was immediately put off by the fact that it is NOT a solid! It should be considered a goo. My armpits felt like slimy nastiness all day. And guess what? It was no match for 110 degree heat, I was not only sweaty, but smeeeellly too. Bonus: It did nothing to curb the hair growth. This morning I had HAD it. I went to Brooks' bathroom and used his deodorant. No smell. No sweat. And I smelled so good that I kind of wanted to make out with myself all day.

So now I have to ask Old Spice, can you please make a deodorant for women? We already love your spokesman and your scents totally beat the pants off of any aimed at us. I mean, here were my choices from "Confidential": Satiny Tropical, Silky Botanical, Refreshingly Floral, Wildflower Fresh or Smooth Powder. Do I really have to smell like a flower? My husband can smell like: Limes, an Ocean Breeze and Freedom, Wilderness, Open Air and Freedom, Palm Trees, Sunshine and Freedom or Ice, Wind and Freedom. I WANT TO SMELL LIKE FREEDOM!! Why do guys get to smell so much cooler when all we get are flowers? And seriously, how come their deodorant, um, works?

So here is your challenge Old Spice Man: I want to smell like Ocean, Margarita and Freedom. Make it happen.