Tuesday, December 01, 2009

'Tis the Season

So I know, I'm totally sucking at blogging. But I HAVE THREE KIDS PEOPLES!!! On that note, if we're friends and you feel like I blow you off or never call you...for the love of all that is holy, please do not take it personally. I HAVE THREE KIDS! And they know that Mom is much less likely to scream or swat if she's on the phone. I swear it takes all of two seconds while I'm on the phone for them to do something awful and rotten.

Also, it's Christmastime so I've been busting ass to get stuff done. Which is a challenge when you HAVE THREE KIDS!! Did I mention that Dash is still not over the whole "wow it's fun to run and hide from mommy in stores" thing? Yeah. And wrapping presents while holding Kell? Not enjoyable either.

Over the past few weeks, one thing has become glaringly obvious - some people need a refresher course in holiday etiquette. So today, I present some simple holiday guidelines.

It's the season to be jolly, and thankful, and for those who are religious, to celebrate the birth of our Savior. It is NOT the season to drive like an asshat. Speed limits exist for a reason. As do laws against cell phone use and texting while driving. And that makeup? You'll be sorry when the eyeliner pencil has to be surgically removed from your eyeball. Tailgating does not, in fact, cause the person in front of you to speed up. That car you bought, it came with this super cool function called a turn signal. It magically lets people know when you intend to - get this - make a turn. You should totally try it. Amazing, I know.

While we're on the subject of driving, it's important to remember that no parking spot is worth risking your life. I think after Thanksgiving (and in preparation for Christmas cookies) we could all use a little more walking in our daily lives. Plus, you're probably going to SAVE time by just taking the spot that's open but a little farther away. If you must try for a closer spot, remember that the "expectant mothers" or "mothers with small children" spots are for..."EXPECTANT MOTHERS" or "MOTHERS WITH SMALL CHILDREN". So if you're a dude, I'm pretty sure you don't qualify. And being fat doesn't qualify you either. Some people seem awfully fond of stalking. If there is a trail of 200 cars behind you and there are available spaces father away, just fucking take one. Also, if you're stalking a woman with lots of bags, kids, or maybe even a woman with three kids who look young enough to require carseats and a stroller AND lots of bags, you DO NOT get to be PISSED OFF when it takes more than a few minutes to load the car. I will not jepordize my kids safety by rushing so that you get my spot sooner. As a matter of fact, if I see you getting huffy while waiting, I will take longer. Intentionally. And if you get increasingly irritated, I will get EVERYONE BACK OUT OF THE CAR just to be a bitch. I can always find something to go back and shop for.

Now let's talk about shopping. Do everyone a favor and GET OFF THE PHONE when you get to the checkout. These people are providing you a service and you're being an ass. McDonalds even as a sign up in the drive through asking you to get off the phone while ordering. If McDonalds knows better than you, you should be ashamed. I personally think that everyone should have to work some kind of food service and some kind of retail in their lives. I think those experiences would definitely cut back the number of people who scream at workers for little reason. If only "Santa is watching you" worked on adults. Experience should also alert everyone to the fact that inventory runs low close to the holidays. If little Jimmy really HAD to have one of those, you should have bought it sooner. Screaming at a store employee is not going to make whatever it is you want magically appear. For those of you who don't have kids, you should know that it is dangerous to walk in front of a moving stroller. I mean, if you value your ankles. Especially if it's a double stroller. I haven't had the electric cattle prod attached to the front of mine yet, so you may consider this your grace period.

I also feel the need to discuss restroom issues. Hands? Let's wash 'em. Doors? Don't forget to lock them please. Pregnant Ladies? Front of the line. And if you're not handicapped, and there are options available, DO NOT TAKE THE HANDICAPPED STALL! If you have a stroller, go for it but don't take too long since there might just be an actual handicapped person who has to go. Just because you'd like some more space while taking your daily constitutional, does NOT mean it's acceptable to take the larger stall. If I walk into another restroom where the only occupied stall is the handicapped one and the inhabitant is NOT handicapped, I will "forget" to control my small man children who think sneaking under the stalls is great fun. And you will have asked for it.

Now get out there and have a great holiday!


Joasia said...

LOOOOVE IT!!! All of it! I had this fat dude on one of the store hadnicap electric wheel chairs tell me to get out of his way, so he can "stroll" back and forth in front of the cheese section, while I quickly try to reach for some cheese before he comes back again. He was NOT handicap, 'cause I saw him get up later. And I'm giant and pregnant with a squirmy toddler. WHAT???

Maggie said...

I know, I see way too many people who seem to be only handicapped by their weight taking the spots or riding the rides. Nutso. Miss you :)

Louisa said...

I am so glad BlogHer featured this post today - totally hysterical and i REALLY needed the laugh today! Thanks :) p.s. did you design your blog? I LOVE it!