Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Does this mean I have to grow up?

So I was talking to my friend John today and laughing about some of the silly things I did in college and I realized...this is it, I think I finally have to grow up! So you finish college and you lose the "but I was in college" excuse. Then you move into your own place and feel a little more adult, but you still aren't really grown up and can pretend you're still in college. Then you get married. That's a big one, but if you do it right, you get a playmate and you can both still refuse to grow up completely. Then you buy a house. Sure someone has to mow the lawn and do the laundry, but once that's done you're free to play video games until your hands cramp up so bad you can't move your fingers. Then you have a baby...and I'm starting to feel like that has to be where it all ends.

From now on, every decision I make not only affects me and my life, but also the life of this innocent little person who I am now COMPLETELY responsible for. That's an awfully scary thought. I've always had a difficult time with the concept of being defined by my relationships with others - most notably when I got married. It was a sad sad day when I changed my last name, although I know it made the most sense and I did it for all the right reasons. It's still a challenge for me to understand that I can change my last name, which is so deeply a part of my identity, and that I can become someone's partner in life and that it's ok for me to be defined as such and that doing that doesn't take away from who I am but only adds to it. Now, being defined as someone's mother is still something I'm grappling with. Although Brooks assures me that we'll still have time to play video games :)

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